Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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