Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
