im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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