I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
