I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
