i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
