i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
