If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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