she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My underwear smells like fireworks.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
