Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
