I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
