Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
