so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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