Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
