I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
