come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
