The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
