i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
