You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
