She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
