i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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