Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
