I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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