Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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