Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
