I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
