She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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