You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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