I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
