STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
