also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize