i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
