Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
