i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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