threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
