Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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