found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize