They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
