you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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