There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
