there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
