Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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