i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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