I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
