shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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