i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
