is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize