i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
