Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize