Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
