Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
