I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
