So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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