Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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