so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
