then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
