Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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