I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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