i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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